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Real Sex: The Naked Truth about Chastity |  | Author: Lauren F. Winner
Publisher: Brazos Press
Category: Book
List Price: $14.99
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Seller: hawthorne_academic
Rating:  52 reviews
Sales Rank: 14989
Media: Paperback
Edition: annotated edition
Pages: 192
Number Of Items: 1
Shipping Weight (lbs): 0.6
Dimensions (in): 8.3 x 5.3 x 0.6
ISBN: 1587431971
Dewey Decimal Number: 306
EAN: 9781587431975
ASIN: 1587431971
Publication Date: July 1, 2006
Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours
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Product Description
SEX. Splashed across magazine covers, billboards, and computer screens--sex is casual, aggressive, and absolutely everywhere. And everybody's doing it, right? In Real Sex, heralded young author
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Showing reviews 1-5 of 52
 A refreshing book about chastity today May 2, 2005
FaithfulReader.com (New York, New York)
356 out of 369 found this review helpful
When I was 15 I cut out a four-by-two-inch piece of paper from my copy of Brio magazine and signed it. On the piece of paper was a vow that made me part of the-then newly emerging True Love Waits movement:
"Believing that true love waits, I make a commitment to God, myself, my family, my friends, my future mate, and my future children to a lifetime of purity including sexual abstinence from this day until the day I enter a biblical marriage relationship."
I hung the card on my bulletin board where it was surrounded by drawings from friends, stickers from my favorite bands (The Cranberries, Pearl Jam, and the Smashing Pumpkins to name a few), movie stubs, and pithy quotes from my favorite books (including the Bible). It was a brag board. "Hey, look how cool I am! I have artsy friends and I like alternative music and I'm a Christian at the same time. I'm hardcore. I'm even a virgin." Yes folks, I wore combat boots with my dresses.
Now I'm 27. My music is mainstream (worse yet, I heard Pearl Jam on a classic rock station the other day) and I think the pastel pink purse I'm carrying today officially disqualifies me from anything smacking of hardcore. I still have that True Love Waits card --- I came across it in my parents' basement a couple of years ago --- but my enthusiasm for being a virgin has waned. It's "punk rock" when you're 15 and marriage and sex is on the horizon, just the other side of college (wa-hoo! College!); it's "lite rock" when you're 27 and marriage isn't on the radar, much less the horizon, and college is quickly retreating in the rearview mirror (wa-hoo! Paying off school loans!). And frankly, I'm just not ready to be hanging out with Seals and Croft on a regular basis.
And I'm not alone. I can't think of one girlfriend who hasn't struggled with sexual immorality. We've all made compromises to one extent or another. And we're Christian women. Many of us have degrees from bible school, we grew up in church youth groups, we signed True Love Waits cards for goodness sake!
Part of the problem is that "just wait" becomes a weaker and weaker argument for pre-marital abstinence as one gets older. And a lot of us are getting older before getting married. So, how do you make a compelling case for chastity to adults?
I'm glad you asked.
REAL SEX by Lauren Winner is certainly one way. It offers a theologically grounded understanding of sex and an honest exploration of the merit of chastity when decreed in scripture. And it does so without being glib, sanctimonious, or saying, "just wait."
"Chastity is not always easy or fun. (Once I was standing in front of my car with my then-beau, E. His arms were wrapped around my waist and I kissed his cheek and said, 'So, I think we're doing pretty well on the chastity front, don't you?' and he allowed that yes, he thought so too, and then he grinned in that way he sometimes has and said, 'Maybe too well.') Which is to say that being chaste is sometimes strange, and difficult, and curious. But it is also a discipline, and like any spiritual discipline, it gets easier and better with time," she writes.
With a pastoral sensibility, Winner puts her own "slow conversion to chastity" in the context of sociological, historical, and theological trends and interpretations. The result is a new (or very old, depending on how you look at it) schema through which single Christians can view their sexuality and its ramifications not just for themselves, but also for the body of Christ.
This emphasis on community in relation to sexuality is one of the most radical aspects of REAL SEX. Winner suggests that our sexuality is indeed the "beeswax" of our neighbors. She tells the story of her friend Carrie who was living in a house post-college with six other Christian women. Carrie's boyfriend Thad was living down the street, and even though the two of them were not having sex, they were doing everything but. And the two spent many nights together. Her roommates had no way of knowing whether or not the two were having sex and no one asked, most likely out of fear of seeming noisy or imprudent.
Winner writes: "But the Bible tells us to intrude --- or rather, the Bible tells us that talking to one another about what is really going on in our lives is in fact not an intrusion at all, because what's going on in my life is already your concern; by dint of the baptism that made me your sister, my joys are your joys and my crises are your crises. We are called to speak to one another lovingly, to be sure, and with edifying, rather than gossipy or hurtful, goals. But we are called nonetheless to transform seemingly private matters into communal matters. Of course, premarital sexual behavior is just one of many instances of this larger point. Christians also need to speak courageously and transparently, for example, about the seemingly private matters of Christian marriage --- there would be, I suspect, a lot fewer divorces in the church if married Christians exposed their domestic lives, their fights and tensions and squabbles, to loving wisdom, advice, and sometimes rebuke from their community. Christians might claim less credit card debt if small-group members shared their bank account statements with one another. I suspect that if my best friend had permission to scrutinize my Day-timer, I would inhabit time better. Speaking to one another about our sexual selves is just one (admittedly risky) instance of a larger piece of Christian discipleship: being in community with each other."
In many respects, this emphasis on community makes Winner's call to purity more challenging than the True Love Waits pledge. Just as living under grace does in some ways require more of us than living under the law, so too does thinking about sexuality as a conduit for a relationship require more of us than thinking about sex as a purely personal matter.
But REAL SEX offers this challenge with compassion and generosity. Here Winner manages to be open about her own sexual missteps without wearing them like badges of honor. And in doing so, she provides an example of how to live faithfully with past sin --- learning from it without taking pride in it.
And REAL SEX isn't just for singles. I think one of its most helpful observations is the fact that married sex isn't given its proper due; we define good married sex by how well it approximates unmarried sex. Winners suggests that we should view sex more holistically and realize that if sex was indeed created for marriage, then it was created to be shaped and surrounded by the stuff of marriage --- kids, bills, laundry, etc. The occasional weekend at a bed and breakfast or the romantic dinner by candlelight isn't a bad thing, but it shouldn't necessarily consider those opportunities more important than the connection that can take place on a Tuesday night while the spaghetti sauce is simmering.
REAL SEX offers a compelling example of how all of us --- single or married --- can reframe our thoughts on sex and chastity within a more holistically biblical framework. And it does so in an honest, thoughtful way that I hope will help refresh the larger conversation about chastity and sexual fidelity in Christian circles. I highly recommend it to all. As those wise hip-hop sages, Salt-n-Pepa, once rapped, "Let's talk about sex."
--- Reviewed by Lisa Ann Cockrel
Really outstanding March 13, 2005
Jason Poling (Baltimore, MD USA)
168 out of 173 found this review helpful
As an evangelical pastor, I'm thrilled by the thought of the conversations that this book will stimulate among my congregation. As a Christian, I'm thrilled by the alignment this book brings to my own thinking about sexuality.
Lauren Winner's book is a refreshing change from most of what's out there on sexual ethics. It's grounded in reality -- not merely the pain that attends sexual brokenness but the significant pleasure that usually attends it as well. Winner reveals the Gnostic and romantic undercurrents of most conservative attitudes toward sexual morality, especially in the Church, and articulates an alternative that is faithful to the true nature of our God-given, image-bearing humanity. This is not to say that her conclusions with regard to conduct are not "conservative" -- they are -- yet she comes to them by a thought process that holds up well to both theological reflection and harsh reality.
Especially significant is Winner's emphasis throughout on the importance of community. Ours is a world where sexuality is either held in confidence or broadcast with the expectation of nonjudgmentalism, and Winner sketches out the appealing alternative of a world where our lives are informed by relationships of integrity and authenticity with friends and mentors who love us enough to be straight with us about sex.
I am currently about the business of recommending this book in the highest possible terms to just about everyone I know.
A much-needed book April 13, 2005
Tedd Steele (Naperville, IL)
35 out of 39 found this review helpful
This is a breath of fresh air for Christians trying to come to terms with sex and singleness. Winner does not rehearse the stale and ineffective arguments we have heard for years (abstinence is the only 100% effective birth control, you don't want STDs, sex feels better when you're married, etc.). Instead, she honestly and bluntly examines chastity from the standpoint of a Christian community. Writing as one who has had premarital sex, Winner brings a sense of honesty to her writing. She is not afraid to deal with the myths, lies, and truths about premarital sex. In the end, she treats sex theologically, within the story of God that is embodied in the church.
This book is intended for single adults who are struggling with chastity. As a youth director, I thought about sharing this book with my high school students. Many of them are dealing with the same issues and need a book like this one. I would not share this book with middle school students as a group. The discussion is too mature for most 13 year-olds I know.
If you are a single Christian this book is for you. If you are a married Christian in a church with single Christians, this book is for you. If you want to understand why Christians remain chaste outside of marriage, this book is definately for you.
A book on Christianity and sexuality that makes sense... March 31, 2005
Karen H. (Rochester, NY)
29 out of 32 found this review helpful
...to grown-ups living in a complicated and sexualized culture! To be honest, I wasn't sure what to expect when I picked up this book. I have probably read 8-10 different books about Chrisitan chastity, waiting till marriage, and so forth; this book has been hyped as different, but I was suspicious. But it was different! Here's why I loved this book: 1) Lauren isn't naive. She discusses sex frankly and doesn't pretend that her audience lives in a cave. 2) She is very generous, and talks generously and frankly about forgiveness and a slow conversion to chastity, even for those of us who have alread had sex. 3) She sometimes uses three syllable words. It really is a great book--more challenging, and yet more loving, than most of those other 8-10 I've read...I've bought two more copies to give to friends!
Generation Chaste? July 15, 2005
Erik Olson (Ridgefield, WA United States)
15 out of 15 found this review helpful
I had a Spanish roommate in seminary that chided Americans for being too uptight when it comes to sex. The Christian book market is a prime example of this shortcoming. I've grown weary of books that are little more than Scripture passages and "scared straight" stories about the dire consequences of moral failure. But "Real Sex - The Naked Truth About Chastity" is a welcome exception to that trend. It acknowledges the fact that sensual sin tends to feel good, which is why so many partake in it. No, the author doesn't blow off the Bible or advocate immorality. What Ms. Winner does is illustrate the truths behind the Biblical passages concerning chastity in a scholarly and thoughtful way. She has a very adult (i.e. mature) take on the subject, although teens would benefit in a preventative and proactive sense from Ms. Winner's insights.
Based on her writing style and literary references, Ms. Winner is obviously an intelligent and well-educated Christian woman. She's not a super-functional guru in the cult of virginity who is so heavenly minded that she's no earthly good. Instead, she is refreshingly honest about her weaknesses, including her brushes with fornication during her BC days and as a new believer. However, she doesn't try to whitewash or justify her failings, nor does she engage in self-flagellation. Instead, Ms. Winner evaluates her actions (and subsequent growth) within a Biblically based context. She does a much better job defending the Scriptural ideal of chastity via her thoughtful approach than the shock and awe crowd does with their "God says it; that settles it" attitude.
That doesn't mean Ms Winner forsakes the authority of the Bible. Instead, she expands on the reasons why God would decree that fornication and adultery are sin, and why chastity is a spiritual discipline, much like fasting and prayer. For example, adultery damages the family, which is the foundation of any community. In addition, it creates disharmony in the larger community due to broken friendships and mistrust. In contrast, practicing chastity benefits the community by strengthening trust and grounding relationships in love and respect. This kind of reasoning shows the universal truths that Scripture contains, thus demonstrating it's relevance for us today. Also, I appreciated her defense of singleness and celibacy, especially using Christ's life as an example. As one who is still unmarried in his late thirties, I've felt more and more marginalized by the typical family-oriented church. Ms. Winner brings this problem out of the shadows and confronts the church to appreciate its singles and tap their potential instead of shunting them off into singles' groups.
There are a couple spots where Ms. Winner's reasoning was a bit too academic for my taste (understandable, since she's working on her Ph. D. in American religious history at Columbia). In addition, I would have liked her to deal with chastity as it relates to homosexuality. But these are minor complaints, and overall this is a fine and necessary work. It's safe to say that over time she'll take a high place in the pantheon of Generation X Christian writers and thinkers. "Real Sex" is the real thing when it comes to addressing the Christian discipline of chastity. Bravo to Ms. Winner for her take on this controversial subject.
Showing reviews 1-5 of 52
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